Can you buy bestseller status?

I've got my Mega Millions ticket in hand, fingers and toes crossed, and am firmly convinced my lucky six numbers will hit it big and deliver me a $375M payday. But then... what should I do? Once I buy my jet and yacht, I'll be doing the nerdy author thing and vomiting cash at my novels in glorious fashion. 

Here's what I'd do if money was no object:

1. Spend an EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF MONEY on Facebook, Bookbub, Amazon and Google ads. I am a firm believer that you can buy your way onto bestseller lists if you spend enough money. It's all about the numbers - if 1 out of 100 people who view your book purchase it - then you just need to get a lot of eyeballs on your book. Pay for 10M clicks? You'll get 100,000 sales. In addition to digital ads, I'd have my cover plastered over billboards, full-page magazine ads and exclusive Goodreads email campaigns.

2. Buy my novels back from traditional publishers. I've got five novels with traditional publishers, and that's five novels that I have absolutely no control over. I'd love to buy back those rights, and have the complete freedom to repackage, recover, rewrite, and test price points on. 

3. Hire A-list stars to record my audiobooks. I've recently listened to awesome audiobooks read by Meryl Streep and Claire Danes. If I was lounging poolside at the Ritz in Kapalua, I'd definitely be hitting up Tom Hardy or Clive Owen's agent and Fedexing some bundles of cash over to Hollywood. 

4. Produce Oscar-worthy book trailers. If Robert DeNiro was in a lamp commercial, I'm sure I could throw enough cash to convince him to star in my book trailer. But even if I don't get Oscar winners in my cast, I'd love to have an ad as cool as this one for An Ember in the Ashes:

or this (even better) one for Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (made before the movie was in the works!):

What would YOU do if you had unlimited funds to use on your novels and career?